The Idea of Constant Praise
We have long passed the motto of 'suck it up' into an age where everyone gets an award. As parents we are told to praise their every actions, even their fails, as a success. To turn everything into a praise worthy, 'you are awesome' moment. It is often termed as the Power of Praise. Even sport competitions have gotten on the band wagon with everyone getting a trophy, no matter how much effort was actually put into it.
Why Parents do it
As parents, we do this because we love our kids and don't want their feeling hurt. It is heart breaking to see a child cross their arms looking down with teary eyes thinking that they just aren't any good. We worry about their self-esteem; that this could somehow impair their future success. We want to do something! So at a first glance this constant praise and every body wins mentality just seems like such a great idea to help shape a generation of loving, confident citizens.
So, is it actually working? Are our kids better off by smothering them with praise with their every action?
What Psychologist & Researchers Say:
The Bad
In a study presented by the AAAS found that high self-esteem doesn't produce higher grades. However, when a child got good grades it did slightly boost a child's self-esteem. It also found that having high self-assurance doesn't help prevent drinking and smoking but increase the chances. Researchers suggest that instead of focusing on self-esteem to help raise grades, that an emphasis on improving self-control or other methods need to be applied.
Another study has found that undeserved praise can increase anxiety in students over whether someone might find out that it was in fact undeserved. On the opposite side, they have also found that if the student internalize the praise they then tend see no room for improvement there for decreases the amount of effort a student puts into their work.
Student who also predicted that they would do perform better on tests were more likely to feel depressed if they didn't meet their expectations.
Donald Forsyth, at Virginia Commonwealth University, found that students who regularly received self-esteem boosting praise got worse test scores on their finals than those who were told to study harder.
Robert Hogan, wrote in the Harvard Business Review, that it wasn't high self-esteem that made a good leaders, it was humility.
Self esteem doesn't have a strong link with success, studies show the groups with a constant high level of self-esteem are prison inmates.
The Good
Students with high morale are more likely to bounce back faster from negative life events.
Women and girls are less likely to suffer from an eating disorder.
What should we be doing instead
The goal should be to aim for a medium level of self-esteem.
Concentrate on self control and self-discipline
Studies have shown that short bouts of exercise helped increase high brain functions including self-control.
Researches found that self control makes the difference between someone being successful or going to prison.
According to a NPR report, "The children who struggled with self-control as preschoolers were three times as likely to have problems as young adults. They were more prone to have a criminal record; more likely to be poor or have financial problems; and they were more likely to be single parents." While this study didn't prove that having high self control can prevent this, it did find a high correlation.
Resources/Recommended Reading:
The Effects of Praise on Children's Intrinsic Motivation: A Review and Synthesis
ScienceCentral.com: Feeling Good and Grades
Undeserved Compliments May Harm Kid's Self-Esteem
The Lowdown on High Self-Esteem
Short Bouts of Exercise Boost Self-Esteem
For Kids. Self-Control Factors Into Future Success
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Monday, July 29, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Can Sleep Be the Answer to Parenting Problems?
Many parent eventually reaches a point where they feel they need help. At this point many start with parenting websites and books. But new studies suggest a simple quick fix has again and again solved or greatly improved behavioral and school problems. And that simple fix is: sleep.
1-12 months: 14-15 hours
1-3 years old: 12-14 hours
3-6 years old: 10-12 hours
7-12 years old: 10-11 hours
12-18 years old: 8-9 hours
19+ years old: 7-9 hours
- inhibit productivity
- difficulty paying attention
- reduce the ability to remember information
- Greater chances of being involved in a car crash
- Higher BMI due to increase appetite
- Health problems such as diabetes, heart problems
- Increase or worsen psychiatric conditions including depression and substance abuse
- Worsen ADHD symptoms
- Sleep deprivation can sometimes be mistaken with ADHD
- While adults become sluggish when sleep deprived, children speed up
What can improve when you get enough sleep
- Lessen ADHD Symptoms, one study found that symptoms were eliminated in some children
- Improves your brain power
- Clearer thinking
- Helps keep your heart healthy
- Reduces stress
- More alert
- Boost memory
- Helps protein molecules make repairs in your body
Studies between children that get enough sleep vs those that don't
In one study done by UVA found that sleep deprived children are more likely to snore and toss in bed. Test scores were also worse compared to children who did get enough sleep. The level of impairment in sleep deprived children was comparable to children who had been exposed to lead.
Some scientist believe that sleep apnea as an infant or toddler significantly raised the chances of the child developing ADHD. Additionally, some believe that sleep disorders in young children may be a direct cause of some ADHD cases.
What parents should do:
keep sleep stealer's out of room (ex. TV, cell phones, computers,)
Finish eating 2-3 hours before bed time
establish a bedtime routine
avoid caffeine close to bedtime
make sleep a priority
talk to the child's pediatrician (under Dr supervision many parents have seen improvements with certain vitamins or a melatonin supplements.)
The lack of sleep can become a vicious cycle. Sleep deprived children can still display symptoms well into the next day which can cause additional sleep problems. One thing that worked for me was the lights out method. This means that all lights, TVs, music players, computers, cell phones, EVERYTHING needs to be turned off and everybody needs to be in bed. If the child cries or complains, it's ok. I personally did not ignore my daughter when she cried but I also didn't turn on any lights or even say anything. I just sat down or laid down with her until she fell asleep. Eventually I was able to get to my bed faster each week.
Honestly, I did get resistance from my husband who was annoyed by it. But after much insistence (aka nagging) I got him on board. The temptation of a TV on in another room was too much for my daughter which caused her to stay up so there really was no room for negotiation.
I hope that this helps <3>
http://www.sleepfoundation.org/article/sleep-topics/adhd-and-sleep
http://www.sleepfoundation.org/article/sleep-topics/children-and-sleep
http://www.newsplex.com/healthwatch/6689447.html
http://www.babysleepsite.com/tag/sleep-study-results/
http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/1690 (Additional links at the end of article)
Friday, October 5, 2012
The Truth About Parenting
I'd like to address a pet peeve of mine. Women who talk about parenting like it's the most natural, easiest, wonderful job in the world and every woman should do it.
Many would like you to believe that parenting is the most wonderful job a woman can ever have or that a woman's natural instincts make it easier. Well, maybe in la la land this is true and for women who's ideal job is working for needy person who on occasion yells, screams, and say they hate you. Oh, did I mention the pay and benefits? Well ... there is none. Nada. And if you want a day off, guess what? You have to pay someone else to cover for you.
Yes, there are many wonderful moments that a child can give you. If you are lucky to have a child who is naturally easy going then you will have many more with little effort. On the other hand with children with difficult personalities and strong wills; these moments will be a bit less until you get a hang of it and become a parenting pro.
Still, all the screams, tantrums, messes, and yelling they don't like you . . . oh yes, it will happen and it will hurt you more than anything else. But those smiles, laughs, kisses, I love yous, and cuddles make it all worth it. But still, you will have more days where you collapse on the bed exhausted.
So ladies, please! Don't fall into the trap of needing to explain how wonderful having children is to those with out kids. I know that there is tremendous pressure to look like the the perfect mommy but by not tell the hard ugly truth, we are doing a disservice to other women.
Instead, give them a reality check. They are expensive from before the time they're born to after they graduate high school. A good nights sleep will be a thing of the past and by the time that do start sleeping through the night they'll be waking up early to start school.
They are messy! And I don't mean college dorm room messy. I mean poop on the walls messy (if you're lucky their fascination with poop will be short).
Every heard of the terrible twos? Well it actually doesn't stop there. Studies have actually show that you can predict how a kid will be as a teenager by how they acted when they were two years old. Wonderful, right?
And privacy ... you'll eventually forget what even means.
So please ladies, the next time a women with no kids asks what it's like having kids . . . tell the truth. Because there is nothing easy about being a mother. It takes blood, sweat, and tears from start to finish; but in the end you can sit back and look at the amazing person created out of it all and know that they are truly a part of you and the love they have for you truly unquestionable.
Let's face it, it takes a strong woman to be a good mother and if you can't handle the worst of it, you'll never truly be able to enjoy the very best that comes from being a mother.
Sorry for this little rant but I just don't like it when some women act like having a kid is a cure all for anything and you are not complete with out one. No one likes to say it but some women should not have children. My own mother was one and I suffered greatly from it, I still am. I am glad that I am alive but considering how suicidal I used to be as a child because of my mother, it is rather surprising that I am actually still alive.
With so much poverty and child abuse going on we should be encouraging women to think twice about bringing a life into the world and encourage the use of birth control. Not every women is meant to be a mother just because she has a vagina. I'm all for family planning. Things such as the Plan B and The Pill should be widely accepted. It lowers the need for abortions and teen pregnancies. It helps couples make sure that their ready. It helps women take control of their own life!
I know you ladies and gentlemen all love your kids, but be honest when someone asks about parenting. It's hard! And give them a question back too, 'Are you sure you're ready?'
Many would like you to believe that parenting is the most wonderful job a woman can ever have or that a woman's natural instincts make it easier. Well, maybe in la la land this is true and for women who's ideal job is working for needy person who on occasion yells, screams, and say they hate you. Oh, did I mention the pay and benefits? Well ... there is none. Nada. And if you want a day off, guess what? You have to pay someone else to cover for you.
Yes, there are many wonderful moments that a child can give you. If you are lucky to have a child who is naturally easy going then you will have many more with little effort. On the other hand with children with difficult personalities and strong wills; these moments will be a bit less until you get a hang of it and become a parenting pro.
Still, all the screams, tantrums, messes, and yelling they don't like you . . . oh yes, it will happen and it will hurt you more than anything else. But those smiles, laughs, kisses, I love yous, and cuddles make it all worth it. But still, you will have more days where you collapse on the bed exhausted.
So ladies, please! Don't fall into the trap of needing to explain how wonderful having children is to those with out kids. I know that there is tremendous pressure to look like the the perfect mommy but by not tell the hard ugly truth, we are doing a disservice to other women.
Instead, give them a reality check. They are expensive from before the time they're born to after they graduate high school. A good nights sleep will be a thing of the past and by the time that do start sleeping through the night they'll be waking up early to start school.
They are messy! And I don't mean college dorm room messy. I mean poop on the walls messy (if you're lucky their fascination with poop will be short).
Every heard of the terrible twos? Well it actually doesn't stop there. Studies have actually show that you can predict how a kid will be as a teenager by how they acted when they were two years old. Wonderful, right?
And privacy ... you'll eventually forget what even means.
So please ladies, the next time a women with no kids asks what it's like having kids . . . tell the truth. Because there is nothing easy about being a mother. It takes blood, sweat, and tears from start to finish; but in the end you can sit back and look at the amazing person created out of it all and know that they are truly a part of you and the love they have for you truly unquestionable.
Let's face it, it takes a strong woman to be a good mother and if you can't handle the worst of it, you'll never truly be able to enjoy the very best that comes from being a mother.
Sorry for this little rant but I just don't like it when some women act like having a kid is a cure all for anything and you are not complete with out one. No one likes to say it but some women should not have children. My own mother was one and I suffered greatly from it, I still am. I am glad that I am alive but considering how suicidal I used to be as a child because of my mother, it is rather surprising that I am actually still alive.
With so much poverty and child abuse going on we should be encouraging women to think twice about bringing a life into the world and encourage the use of birth control. Not every women is meant to be a mother just because she has a vagina. I'm all for family planning. Things such as the Plan B and The Pill should be widely accepted. It lowers the need for abortions and teen pregnancies. It helps couples make sure that their ready. It helps women take control of their own life!
I know you ladies and gentlemen all love your kids, but be honest when someone asks about parenting. It's hard! And give them a question back too, 'Are you sure you're ready?'
Friday, August 24, 2012
Why People Hate Twilight and Parents Should Worry About Their Kids Reading the Twilight Saga
Okay I feel the need to write this as part disclaimer, discussion and warning. I will admit that I do dislike the Twilight books, however, I really do like the general idea of the books. My dislike of the books is out of personal preference (I have read all of them). However, I at times, like many others hate the books.
I want to explain why and point out that a lot of the hate isn’t even about the book itself but rather the publisher and certain Twilight fans.
Most of you reading are reasonable and intelligent people who understand that fiction and personal fantasy don’t and at times shouldn’t be applied to the real world. Many of you may also be writers or reading enthusiasts and realize that not everything in fiction will be ‘good’ in a moral sense but still might be expressed it that way because it’s fiction. However, many others do not and this is where the ‘haters,’ ‘bashers,’ and ‘anti-Twilighters’ come in.
Bella forfeits her life by basically becoming a robot after Edward leaves. She cannot properly function or live with out Edward. In the books (including Midnight Sun) both Edward and Bella just shuffled through life and didn't start 'living' until they met each other and now cannot adjust to life with out each other. In fantasy many see this as ‘true love’ or ‘romantic’ but in reality this is co-dependency and not ok. Many of you readers wouldn’t stop living your life just because an ex dumped you. Yes any one would go through a period of depression but eventually move on. However, some actually think that if you do not act like Bella did in Eclipse that it wasn’t real love. This is a scary thought that people actually think that way. I know I may get people who disagree but in Eclipse Bella was trying to commit suicide. Just because she lived doesn't change the fact that dying was the point. I thought it would be obvious but I guess not. When she jumped off the cliff she wasn't trying to get a 'rush' she was trying to kill herself because Edward didn't want her.
Picture a guy that you don’t have romantic feelings for trying to force himself on you and try to manipulate you into breaking up with someone you love. Then he tells you that since you don’t love him he is going to kill himself. This in short describes Jacob. What Jacob did in the book in real life would be considered sexual assault as well as abusive both mentally and physically. It’s okay to fantasize or like Jacob. The situation can be considered or passed off as ‘he loves her.’ But most of you wouldn’t put up with an abusive guy or girl who forced you to kiss them and avidly try to destroy your relationship. However, some actually think that type of behavior is acceptable in real life.
Imagine that your boyfriend/girlfriend began to stalk you and told you that you couldn’t see your friend anymore because they think that person is safe. He/she begins to try to control who you see by going as far as sabotage. This same person also makes it a point to control other aspects of your life to the point of physical force. This is Edward. In the fictional and personal fantasy sense it is okay to like this. But would you really let a guy/girl control you like that in the real world? To follow you everywhere? Some people actually think that what Edward did is acceptable and actually wish that they could be in Bella’s shoes. In reality if Edward and Bella was a real couple they would show ALL the signs of domestic violence. Love or hate Edward you have to admit that not everything he did was right and the bottom line is that he is a fictional character. However, there are people who want a guy to treat them the way Edward treated Bella in real life or else it isn’t real love.
Many people hate Twilight because some readers actually take the book seriously and apply it to real life. Even the author stresses that Bella, Edward, & Jacob’s life and actions can’t and don’t correlate into the real world or real situations or even be realistic because they are fictional. She even states that Edward doesn’t even have human emotions or thoughts anymore. Many who love Twilight always tell haters that ‘it’s just a book!’ And you guys are a 100% right! But like I have repeatedly said some take the book seriously and that is why people hate the book so passionately.
There was even a girl in Washington who jumped off a cliff because Bella did it in the book while another woman cried and complained that her husband was nothing like Edward Cullen. Some men have complained that it has ruined their relationships because their wives want them to act abusively (because that is what it is) and aren't comfortable with it. Oh but the list goes on ... and on ...
Some twilight fans have gone as far as trying to kill people who don't like the book including shooting at them with a flare gun, beating people with a bat, and even attempting to slit someones throat in school.
From pre-teens to grown women have become so addicted to Twilight that it has caused real problems in their life.
Many try to spread hate by encouraging other online to harass those who did not like or hate the books/movie, sometimes even each other (team Edward/team Jacob), and now (I've seen this stuff happen personally) attacking Harry Potter fans. Here are some entertaining videos of people talking about these Twilight attacks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvOTrCv63Vk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeNeu1VZKAA&feature=related
There has been a lot of attacks ranging from small to felony worthy attacks.
Here are some real quotes form discussion forums. I won’t post where or who wrote these. Try to take away the supernatural and Twilight perspective and you’ll see how scary these posts are. Please note that these quotes are applying fiction situations to real life.
“I think some people are just jealous of what Edward and Bells have!” I think these two responses to the above says it all – “Plenty of women send love letters to serial killers in prisons across the world. It speaks volumes.” “Yeah, you're right, everyone is jealous when they don't have an unbalanced, fatalistic and completely dependent relationship of their own to tear down their mental psyche. I know I am.”
“I do think the concept and depth of Bella and Edward's love is real and people do find [it] and want to have that kind of relationship. Some people say Edward is a creeper but I disagree.”
“People hate Twilight because they don’t know the meaning of love. The book is the exact meaning of why and what love is and trust me all the book have [real] love between Edward and Bella!”
“I think every girl deserves an Edward and a Jacob. If only, hey?”
“It’s not sick or abusive. Yes, Edward's actions taken out of context could be called stalker, scary, dangerous, etc. But here's the thing, Bella loves him. She likes the danger, the over-protectiveness, the volatile relationship, the over-intensity of it all. Some women like that, some things are not black and white. There are several different kinds of attractions out there and one women's abuse may be another person's romance.” (bold emphasis is mine.)
“I wish that I had a guy like Edward who would love me so much that he would stalk me and worry about who my friends are.”
Nobody in their right mind would support domestic violence or sexual assault but these people are and defend it to the point it is scary. The discussion threads started innocently by someone asking why people hate Twilight. Some on this thread have actually gone through and flagged every reasonable post that describes why they don’t like book and point out the character’s faults and abusive tendencies. They post almost everyday trying to discredit people and actually quote google (I kid you not) on how Bella, Edward, and Jacob are not clingy, abusive, co-dependant, ect. Apparently psychology and dysfunction is so easy that google can give you the answer in one page. Anyone who has taken psychology classes or at least interested in it knows how absolutely ridicules that is. Several actually avidly defend Bella by saying she ‘never whines’ in the books. Really? Even google should be able to properly define whining.
Again, many realize it’s just a book. People hate the book because many crazy girls don’t understand that. This also upsets people because a publisher of books aimed at children and teens should be held to a higher standard and not let a book that contains abusive relationships in a positive light be published through them. And the haters are right. Twilight should have been published as an adult book. It seems that as long as the main character is a teenager that the book is automatic a ‘teen’ book.
But like most fans, here is a quote from a TRUE fan who is able to enjoy the book the way it was supposed to be, as fiction:
“I am a HUGE fan of Twilight! [...] But this doesn't mean I am blind to the flaws in the characters or the possibilities for improvement. I can see the point in other people arguments. I also agree that Bella is not a great character. She has many flaws as being unhealthily dependable on Edward. Edward himself is kind or creepy as well. But, to me, I can avoid it because it's such a romantic story (well in my head it is). I love the fact that Bella and Edward seemed so doomed because of every little thing but the put through. I also love it because of the love they share. Those [two] people, Edward and Bella, seem and are so in love they would do anything for each other.”
And don't get me started on imprinting ...
*SPOILER*
Lets just say that Jacob imprints on baby Rennesme and claims it's not romantic, however, givers her a tribal marriage bracelet that is the same as a promise ring when she is only a few months old (physically 7 years old; she has accelerated growth). He claims to not have romantic feelings but already plans on marrying her. She is what in the real world would be considered a child bride and what Jacob is doing is considered child grooming, a form of pedophilia. There are also many fans who so see nothing wrong with this either.
*END OF SPOILER*
Here is one pet peeve that I also have against some Twilight fans who argue with 'haters'. One claimed that you have to understand Stephine Meyer, who is Mormon and places a high value to marriage, to understand the relationships in the story. Namely Edward/Bella, Jacob/Rennesme, and Quil/Clair.
Really?
This was from one poster, so I hope to God that people don't think that the average Mormon would approve of the type of relationships in these books. Yes, they have gotten a bad rap from a few polygamous and generally just plain crazy people but every Mormon that I have known personally have been caring, intelligent, family people who wouldn't condone abusive relationships. Just to clear the air Mormons are not weird, freaks, or a scary cult.
So as a warning to parents who have kids that have read or want to read the Twilight books talk to them about domestic violence! Tell them how Jacob and Edward act in the books are NOT acceptable in real life. And here is why:
"1 in 3 teenagers report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited; February 2005.)
1 in 4 teenage girls who have been in relationships reveal they have been pressured to perform oral sex or engage in intercourse. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited; February 2005.)
More than 1 in 4 teenage girls in a relationship (26%) report enduring repeated verbal abuse. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited; February 2005.)
Nearly 80% of girls who have been physically abused in their intimate relationships continue to date their abuser. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited; February 2005.)
Of the women between the ages 15-19 murdered each year, 30% are killed by their husband or boyfriend. (City of New York, Teen Relationship Abuse Fact Sheet, March 1998)
Less than 25% of teens say they have discussed dating violence with their parents. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study of teens 13-17 conducted by Applied Research and Consulting LLC, Spring 2000)
Teens report dating abuse via technology is a serious problem
* 71% of teens regard boyfriends/girlfriends spreading rumors about them on cellphones and social networking sites as a serious problem.
* 68% of teens say boyfriends/girlfriends sharing private or embarrassing pictures/videos on cell phones and computers is a serious problem.
Cell phone calls and texting at unimaginable frequency mean constant control day and night
* Nearly one in four teens in a relationship (24%) communicated with their partner via cellphone or texting HOURLY between midnight and 5:00am.
* One in three teens (30%) say they are text messaged 10, 20, 30 times an hour by a partner inquiring where they are, what they're doing, or who they're with. " ~ T.E.A.R. Teens Experiencing Abusive Relationships
Abuse is a serious problem among young girls and shouldn't be taken lightly and the publisher of the Twilight books should have known better. Since even before mass publishing, books have spread ideas and help bring about cultural change. Don't underestimate the power of the written word.
There are also many other problems with the book including bad grammar, word usage, characterizing, just plain not researching, not being consistent, ect. The list really does go on. Since I really would like to end this post on a somewhat positive note I'll share this link with you: http://das-sporking.livejournal.com/77053.html it really is very funny and rips at all the mistakes, oddities, and totally unrealistic moments in Twilight. If you haven't read twilight I suggest reading this instead. It is much more entertaining. (They also do funny reviews and 'sporking' on Eclipse, New Moon, 50 Shades of Grey as well as Midnight Sun.)
I want to explain why and point out that a lot of the hate isn’t even about the book itself but rather the publisher and certain Twilight fans.
Most of you reading are reasonable and intelligent people who understand that fiction and personal fantasy don’t and at times shouldn’t be applied to the real world. Many of you may also be writers or reading enthusiasts and realize that not everything in fiction will be ‘good’ in a moral sense but still might be expressed it that way because it’s fiction. However, many others do not and this is where the ‘haters,’ ‘bashers,’ and ‘anti-Twilighters’ come in.
Bella forfeits her life by basically becoming a robot after Edward leaves. She cannot properly function or live with out Edward. In the books (including Midnight Sun) both Edward and Bella just shuffled through life and didn't start 'living' until they met each other and now cannot adjust to life with out each other. In fantasy many see this as ‘true love’ or ‘romantic’ but in reality this is co-dependency and not ok. Many of you readers wouldn’t stop living your life just because an ex dumped you. Yes any one would go through a period of depression but eventually move on. However, some actually think that if you do not act like Bella did in Eclipse that it wasn’t real love. This is a scary thought that people actually think that way. I know I may get people who disagree but in Eclipse Bella was trying to commit suicide. Just because she lived doesn't change the fact that dying was the point. I thought it would be obvious but I guess not. When she jumped off the cliff she wasn't trying to get a 'rush' she was trying to kill herself because Edward didn't want her.
Picture a guy that you don’t have romantic feelings for trying to force himself on you and try to manipulate you into breaking up with someone you love. Then he tells you that since you don’t love him he is going to kill himself. This in short describes Jacob. What Jacob did in the book in real life would be considered sexual assault as well as abusive both mentally and physically. It’s okay to fantasize or like Jacob. The situation can be considered or passed off as ‘he loves her.’ But most of you wouldn’t put up with an abusive guy or girl who forced you to kiss them and avidly try to destroy your relationship. However, some actually think that type of behavior is acceptable in real life.
Imagine that your boyfriend/girlfriend began to stalk you and told you that you couldn’t see your friend anymore because they think that person is safe. He/she begins to try to control who you see by going as far as sabotage. This same person also makes it a point to control other aspects of your life to the point of physical force. This is Edward. In the fictional and personal fantasy sense it is okay to like this. But would you really let a guy/girl control you like that in the real world? To follow you everywhere? Some people actually think that what Edward did is acceptable and actually wish that they could be in Bella’s shoes. In reality if Edward and Bella was a real couple they would show ALL the signs of domestic violence. Love or hate Edward you have to admit that not everything he did was right and the bottom line is that he is a fictional character. However, there are people who want a guy to treat them the way Edward treated Bella in real life or else it isn’t real love.
Many people hate Twilight because some readers actually take the book seriously and apply it to real life. Even the author stresses that Bella, Edward, & Jacob’s life and actions can’t and don’t correlate into the real world or real situations or even be realistic because they are fictional. She even states that Edward doesn’t even have human emotions or thoughts anymore. Many who love Twilight always tell haters that ‘it’s just a book!’ And you guys are a 100% right! But like I have repeatedly said some take the book seriously and that is why people hate the book so passionately.
There was even a girl in Washington who jumped off a cliff because Bella did it in the book while another woman cried and complained that her husband was nothing like Edward Cullen. Some men have complained that it has ruined their relationships because their wives want them to act abusively (because that is what it is) and aren't comfortable with it. Oh but the list goes on ... and on ...
Some twilight fans have gone as far as trying to kill people who don't like the book including shooting at them with a flare gun, beating people with a bat, and even attempting to slit someones throat in school.
From pre-teens to grown women have become so addicted to Twilight that it has caused real problems in their life.
Many try to spread hate by encouraging other online to harass those who did not like or hate the books/movie, sometimes even each other (team Edward/team Jacob), and now (I've seen this stuff happen personally) attacking Harry Potter fans. Here are some entertaining videos of people talking about these Twilight attacks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvOTrCv63Vk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeNeu1VZKAA&feature=related
There has been a lot of attacks ranging from small to felony worthy attacks.
Here are some real quotes form discussion forums. I won’t post where or who wrote these. Try to take away the supernatural and Twilight perspective and you’ll see how scary these posts are. Please note that these quotes are applying fiction situations to real life.
“I think some people are just jealous of what Edward and Bells have!” I think these two responses to the above says it all – “Plenty of women send love letters to serial killers in prisons across the world. It speaks volumes.” “Yeah, you're right, everyone is jealous when they don't have an unbalanced, fatalistic and completely dependent relationship of their own to tear down their mental psyche. I know I am.”
“I do think the concept and depth of Bella and Edward's love is real and people do find [it] and want to have that kind of relationship. Some people say Edward is a creeper but I disagree.”
“People hate Twilight because they don’t know the meaning of love. The book is the exact meaning of why and what love is and trust me all the book have [real] love between Edward and Bella!”
“I think every girl deserves an Edward and a Jacob. If only, hey?”
“It’s not sick or abusive. Yes, Edward's actions taken out of context could be called stalker, scary, dangerous, etc. But here's the thing, Bella loves him. She likes the danger, the over-protectiveness, the volatile relationship, the over-intensity of it all. Some women like that, some things are not black and white. There are several different kinds of attractions out there and one women's abuse may be another person's romance.” (bold emphasis is mine.)
“I wish that I had a guy like Edward who would love me so much that he would stalk me and worry about who my friends are.”
Nobody in their right mind would support domestic violence or sexual assault but these people are and defend it to the point it is scary. The discussion threads started innocently by someone asking why people hate Twilight. Some on this thread have actually gone through and flagged every reasonable post that describes why they don’t like book and point out the character’s faults and abusive tendencies. They post almost everyday trying to discredit people and actually quote google (I kid you not) on how Bella, Edward, and Jacob are not clingy, abusive, co-dependant, ect. Apparently psychology and dysfunction is so easy that google can give you the answer in one page. Anyone who has taken psychology classes or at least interested in it knows how absolutely ridicules that is. Several actually avidly defend Bella by saying she ‘never whines’ in the books. Really? Even google should be able to properly define whining.
Again, many realize it’s just a book. People hate the book because many crazy girls don’t understand that. This also upsets people because a publisher of books aimed at children and teens should be held to a higher standard and not let a book that contains abusive relationships in a positive light be published through them. And the haters are right. Twilight should have been published as an adult book. It seems that as long as the main character is a teenager that the book is automatic a ‘teen’ book.
But like most fans, here is a quote from a TRUE fan who is able to enjoy the book the way it was supposed to be, as fiction:
“I am a HUGE fan of Twilight! [...] But this doesn't mean I am blind to the flaws in the characters or the possibilities for improvement. I can see the point in other people arguments. I also agree that Bella is not a great character. She has many flaws as being unhealthily dependable on Edward. Edward himself is kind or creepy as well. But, to me, I can avoid it because it's such a romantic story (well in my head it is). I love the fact that Bella and Edward seemed so doomed because of every little thing but the put through. I also love it because of the love they share. Those [two] people, Edward and Bella, seem and are so in love they would do anything for each other.”
And don't get me started on imprinting ...
*SPOILER*
Lets just say that Jacob imprints on baby Rennesme and claims it's not romantic, however, givers her a tribal marriage bracelet that is the same as a promise ring when she is only a few months old (physically 7 years old; she has accelerated growth). He claims to not have romantic feelings but already plans on marrying her. She is what in the real world would be considered a child bride and what Jacob is doing is considered child grooming, a form of pedophilia. There are also many fans who so see nothing wrong with this either.
*END OF SPOILER*
Here is one pet peeve that I also have against some Twilight fans who argue with 'haters'. One claimed that you have to understand Stephine Meyer, who is Mormon and places a high value to marriage, to understand the relationships in the story. Namely Edward/Bella, Jacob/Rennesme, and Quil/Clair.
Really?
This was from one poster, so I hope to God that people don't think that the average Mormon would approve of the type of relationships in these books. Yes, they have gotten a bad rap from a few polygamous and generally just plain crazy people but every Mormon that I have known personally have been caring, intelligent, family people who wouldn't condone abusive relationships. Just to clear the air Mormons are not weird, freaks, or a scary cult.
So as a warning to parents who have kids that have read or want to read the Twilight books talk to them about domestic violence! Tell them how Jacob and Edward act in the books are NOT acceptable in real life. And here is why:
"1 in 3 teenagers report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited; February 2005.)
1 in 4 teenage girls who have been in relationships reveal they have been pressured to perform oral sex or engage in intercourse. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited; February 2005.)
More than 1 in 4 teenage girls in a relationship (26%) report enduring repeated verbal abuse. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited; February 2005.)
Nearly 80% of girls who have been physically abused in their intimate relationships continue to date their abuser. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited; February 2005.)
Of the women between the ages 15-19 murdered each year, 30% are killed by their husband or boyfriend. (City of New York, Teen Relationship Abuse Fact Sheet, March 1998)
Less than 25% of teens say they have discussed dating violence with their parents. (Liz Claiborne Inc. study of teens 13-17 conducted by Applied Research and Consulting LLC, Spring 2000)
Teens report dating abuse via technology is a serious problem
* 71% of teens regard boyfriends/girlfriends spreading rumors about them on cellphones and social networking sites as a serious problem.
* 68% of teens say boyfriends/girlfriends sharing private or embarrassing pictures/videos on cell phones and computers is a serious problem.
Cell phone calls and texting at unimaginable frequency mean constant control day and night
* Nearly one in four teens in a relationship (24%) communicated with their partner via cellphone or texting HOURLY between midnight and 5:00am.
* One in three teens (30%) say they are text messaged 10, 20, 30 times an hour by a partner inquiring where they are, what they're doing, or who they're with. " ~ T.E.A.R. Teens Experiencing Abusive Relationships
Abuse is a serious problem among young girls and shouldn't be taken lightly and the publisher of the Twilight books should have known better. Since even before mass publishing, books have spread ideas and help bring about cultural change. Don't underestimate the power of the written word.
There are also many other problems with the book including bad grammar, word usage, characterizing, just plain not researching, not being consistent, ect. The list really does go on. Since I really would like to end this post on a somewhat positive note I'll share this link with you: http://das-sporking.livejournal.com/77053.html it really is very funny and rips at all the mistakes, oddities, and totally unrealistic moments in Twilight. If you haven't read twilight I suggest reading this instead. It is much more entertaining. (They also do funny reviews and 'sporking' on Eclipse, New Moon, 50 Shades of Grey as well as Midnight Sun.)
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Who's Child Is This?
Yesterday I really looked at my oldest daughter. I mean really looked. And what I saw was a long legged kid with a high pony tail and a thin face. All I could think was Is this really MY kid? When did this happen? Where was I? OMG I'm old!
To make matters worse she is starting 1st grade. At least when she was in kindergarten I fooled myself into thinking that it's not 'official' grade school since it doesn't have a number on it. (I was in severe denial)
My baby, my toddler, my preschooler is gone and all I have are pictures to remember her by. In replacement I have been given a young girl. I feel just as lost as when she became a toddler and then a preschooler.
What am I going to do with this kid? I mean, I just got the hang of that preschooler stuff and now we're moving on already? This feels so sudden to me even when it was staring at me right in the face. I know I still have two younger kids but I'm not ready to let go of my first baby.
I'm pretty sure she thinks I've gone slightly crazy by all the squeezing hugs and how I seem to randomly stare at her.
As always, I am starting a new adventure with my 1st born into another phase of life. Wish me luck and God help me!
To make matters worse she is starting 1st grade. At least when she was in kindergarten I fooled myself into thinking that it's not 'official' grade school since it doesn't have a number on it. (I was in severe denial)
My baby, my toddler, my preschooler is gone and all I have are pictures to remember her by. In replacement I have been given a young girl. I feel just as lost as when she became a toddler and then a preschooler.
What am I going to do with this kid? I mean, I just got the hang of that preschooler stuff and now we're moving on already? This feels so sudden to me even when it was staring at me right in the face. I know I still have two younger kids but I'm not ready to let go of my first baby.
I'm pretty sure she thinks I've gone slightly crazy by all the squeezing hugs and how I seem to randomly stare at her.
As always, I am starting a new adventure with my 1st born into another phase of life. Wish me luck and God help me!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Aesop's Fables for Kids
I just wanted to share this YouTube playlist of cartoons of Aeosp's Fables. My kids really liked it and actaually sat through the whole thing.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Stop Bulling Pt2; Being 'Fat' in Kindergarten
Bullying and low self-esteem issues start early. A lot earlier than you might think. Things have changed since we've been in school, for better and worse.
Half of all girls ages 3 to 6 worry about becoming fat according to a news segment done by Good Morning America. Unfortunately my daughter fell into that category half way through her kindergarten year. The segment asked children ages 5 to 8 with many of their health answers revolved around body image from eating healthy so they don't get fat to eating less so that their stomach won't bulge.
Childhood obesity is a problem, but is the way we are handling it solving the problem? These anti-obesity campaigns single out 'fat' kids which more often than not will only lead them to eating more out of depression. This anti-fat culture that both parents and society in general is doing more harm than good.
What are the consequences? To give a personal example a couple of girls took the childhood obesity awareness week to whole other level. The school itself, which also co-runs a community garden, emphasised eating healthy and exercise. However, my little girl became obsessed at the fact that she was 'fat'. My daughter is actually on the very thin side of body shapes. She went quickly from being thin to skin and bones. She began to refuse food and was starving herself. She would only eat out of extreme hunger and even then very little. She also stopped eating school at lunch along with many other girls.
Luckily, between the school intervention and myself we were able to start getting her to eating normally again with out medical intervention. It seemed like forever but it lasted a week. The girls who has started this had to be separated during lunch because they were nit-picking other students telling then they were going to be fat and not to eat. None of these children that were bullied were what could be considered 'fat' in any sense of the word.
While she is eating now and at a normal weight the damage that those girls did is said and done. My daughter still refuses to eat at school along with several other students. Luckily, I have been able to get her to eat breakfast before school and lunch as soon as she gets home. Hopefully, by her next school year in 1st grade we can make further progress together to actually eat at lunch time at school.
Unfortunately, this isn't an isolated incident. Stories like these are spreading in many schools. If you dig deep enough it usually comes down to 1 - 2 kids in a classroom that started the bullying and name calling. Body image shouldn't be an issue with children this young but it is. Instead of focusing on who is and isn't 'fat' it should be on what we can all do to be healthy. The anti obesity campaign had their heart in the right place but bullies have found a way to damage its efforts.
So this summer talk to your children about body image and what's really important, being and staying healthy. Eat right and stay active. It's that simple. Help your child know what IS healthy and not to tease and name-call others. It's easier said than done but we should focus on what's on the inside not the outside. Many of you may have a child like mine who takes what others say very seriously so it is important that you get the first say on issues like these and not wait like I did. In cases like this, knowledge is the key to thick skin.
Click the links bellow for articles for information on how and what to talk about regarding body image. You can also call NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association) at 800-931-2237 if you feel that your child might have an eating disorder.
With all the love in the world,
Vanessa <3
Recommendations:
Body Image: Help Kids Love The Shape They're In
http://www.bodypositive.com/
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
Education.com: Body Image and Self-Esteem
Half of all girls ages 3 to 6 worry about becoming fat according to a news segment done by Good Morning America. Unfortunately my daughter fell into that category half way through her kindergarten year. The segment asked children ages 5 to 8 with many of their health answers revolved around body image from eating healthy so they don't get fat to eating less so that their stomach won't bulge.
Childhood obesity is a problem, but is the way we are handling it solving the problem? These anti-obesity campaigns single out 'fat' kids which more often than not will only lead them to eating more out of depression. This anti-fat culture that both parents and society in general is doing more harm than good.
What are the consequences? To give a personal example a couple of girls took the childhood obesity awareness week to whole other level. The school itself, which also co-runs a community garden, emphasised eating healthy and exercise. However, my little girl became obsessed at the fact that she was 'fat'. My daughter is actually on the very thin side of body shapes. She went quickly from being thin to skin and bones. She began to refuse food and was starving herself. She would only eat out of extreme hunger and even then very little. She also stopped eating school at lunch along with many other girls.
Luckily, between the school intervention and myself we were able to start getting her to eating normally again with out medical intervention. It seemed like forever but it lasted a week. The girls who has started this had to be separated during lunch because they were nit-picking other students telling then they were going to be fat and not to eat. None of these children that were bullied were what could be considered 'fat' in any sense of the word.
While she is eating now and at a normal weight the damage that those girls did is said and done. My daughter still refuses to eat at school along with several other students. Luckily, I have been able to get her to eat breakfast before school and lunch as soon as she gets home. Hopefully, by her next school year in 1st grade we can make further progress together to actually eat at lunch time at school.
Unfortunately, this isn't an isolated incident. Stories like these are spreading in many schools. If you dig deep enough it usually comes down to 1 - 2 kids in a classroom that started the bullying and name calling. Body image shouldn't be an issue with children this young but it is. Instead of focusing on who is and isn't 'fat' it should be on what we can all do to be healthy. The anti obesity campaign had their heart in the right place but bullies have found a way to damage its efforts.
So this summer talk to your children about body image and what's really important, being and staying healthy. Eat right and stay active. It's that simple. Help your child know what IS healthy and not to tease and name-call others. It's easier said than done but we should focus on what's on the inside not the outside. Many of you may have a child like mine who takes what others say very seriously so it is important that you get the first say on issues like these and not wait like I did. In cases like this, knowledge is the key to thick skin.
Click the links bellow for articles for information on how and what to talk about regarding body image. You can also call NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association) at 800-931-2237 if you feel that your child might have an eating disorder.
With all the love in the world,
Vanessa <3
Recommendations:
Body Image: Help Kids Love The Shape They're In
http://www.bodypositive.com/
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
Education.com: Body Image and Self-Esteem
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Stop Bullying Now, Pt 1: Statistics
With another school year coming to a close it's time for students to look back on their school year. With the statistics above it's likely that your child has been bullied, bullied others, or witnessed bullying at school.
I'll be posting a series of posts and links on the topic of harassment from both sides. The victim and the aggressor.
This post is meant as food for thought. Here are some additional statistics on the topic of bulling.
Bullying occurs at the same rate among special needs students as with regular students.
Only 36% of students will notify a teacher or adult of being bullied.
Psychologist Dan Olweus of the University of Bergen in 1993 found that 60% of children in grades 6-9 that have regularly bullied others ended up having at least one criminal conviction by age 24.
Chronic child bullies are likely to maintain their behaviors into adulthood and diminish their ability to sustain positive relationships.
160,000 children skip school every day in the U.S. in fear of bulling according to the National Education Association.
20% of students are victims of chronic bulling from kindergarten through 6th grade.
According to Mark Dombeck, Ph. D. the effect of bulling include:
"In the short term:
- Anger
- Depression
- Anxious avoidance of settings in which bullying may occur.
- Greater incidence of illness
- Lower grades than non-bullied peers
- Suicidal thoughts and feelings (In one British retrospective bullying experiences survey I came across (of unknown scientific value), 20% of the sample attempted suicide secondary to having been bullied, whereas only 3% of participants who were not bullied attempted suicide).
In the long term:
- Reduced occupational opportunities
- Lingering feelings of anger and bitterness, desire for revenge.
- Difficulty trusting people
- Interpersonal difficulties, including fear and avoidance of new social situations
- Increased tendency to be a loner
- Perception of self as easy to victimize, overly sensitive, and thin-skinned
- Self-esteem problems (don't think well of self)
- Increased incidence of continued bullying and victimization"
Friday, February 3, 2012
Depression & Addiction Hurts
I've decided not to go strictly follow the writing prompts for the February NaBloMo at the risk of over sharing and offending someone and embarrassing my self to the point I will have to live as a hermit forever. I didn't have the best childhood and most of my fond memories don't revolve around my family, even at a young age.
So instead I would like to make a confession of something that I am trying to get over. I have an addiction. An internet addiction. I'm still pretty bad but I used to be worse. I could spend all day on the computer or cellphone and time flys! My cellphone is like a drug that I must have. I literally feel naked with out my phone. I actually feel nervous when I don't have it near me. It's like life in closing in on me and I can't breathe.
Pathetic I know.
But what made me realize is that it had taken so much time away from my family. I spent so much time surfing the net that at the end of the day I was at a rush to clean the house, especially on the weekends. So eventually I was either web browsing, writing, or taking care of my youngest child. This was starting to hurt my older two babies, 2 & 5 years olds. Not to mention my poor husband. And my dogs. And my yard. ... And my life.
This wasn't me. I wasn't the type of person who lets the house fall into pieces. Someone who does work half ass. Someone who doesn't take responsibility. I'm not my mother! I look like a wreak. My husband even made a comment about my appearance this morning. It hurt like hell but he was right. I was letting myself go. Then to add insult to injury he told me before he went to work that I had aged mentally. It didn't hit me until now what he meant exactly. I was boring in every sense of the word. I didn't goof around anymore. I wasn't witty or making sarcastic remarks.
Who am I?
The answer: Lost.
The addiction started because I felt trapped. Trapped by world filled with responsibility and child rearing. There was no balance in life for me. That's part of why I started this blog. I want to be happy. Writing what I want makes me happy. Depression hurts. I became addicted to the internet because I was depressed. Depressed because I didn't have the parents I wanted. That my husband has to work so hard. That I'm always too tired to keep up with my two older kids. That money is always tight.
So one day at a time I'm going to take back my life. I'm going to stop obsessing over the internet and face my depression head on instead of hiding.
So if you're in a funk like me, remember the things that made you smile.
Here's one that made me laugh last time I was in Las Vegas =)
On a related note, I wanted to recommend someone's post each day this month. I think it fits the theme of this post a bit:
Check out Buddish Thoughts: Just a Friendly Reminder from the Universe. It's a really nice post to read if your feeling overwhelmed or just having a bad day(s). This is what I needed to read to get me out of this small funk I'm in right now.
So instead I would like to make a confession of something that I am trying to get over. I have an addiction. An internet addiction. I'm still pretty bad but I used to be worse. I could spend all day on the computer or cellphone and time flys! My cellphone is like a drug that I must have. I literally feel naked with out my phone. I actually feel nervous when I don't have it near me. It's like life in closing in on me and I can't breathe.
Pathetic I know.
But what made me realize is that it had taken so much time away from my family. I spent so much time surfing the net that at the end of the day I was at a rush to clean the house, especially on the weekends. So eventually I was either web browsing, writing, or taking care of my youngest child. This was starting to hurt my older two babies, 2 & 5 years olds. Not to mention my poor husband. And my dogs. And my yard. ... And my life.
This wasn't me. I wasn't the type of person who lets the house fall into pieces. Someone who does work half ass. Someone who doesn't take responsibility. I'm not my mother! I look like a wreak. My husband even made a comment about my appearance this morning. It hurt like hell but he was right. I was letting myself go. Then to add insult to injury he told me before he went to work that I had aged mentally. It didn't hit me until now what he meant exactly. I was boring in every sense of the word. I didn't goof around anymore. I wasn't witty or making sarcastic remarks.
Who am I?
The answer: Lost.
The addiction started because I felt trapped. Trapped by world filled with responsibility and child rearing. There was no balance in life for me. That's part of why I started this blog. I want to be happy. Writing what I want makes me happy. Depression hurts. I became addicted to the internet because I was depressed. Depressed because I didn't have the parents I wanted. That my husband has to work so hard. That I'm always too tired to keep up with my two older kids. That money is always tight.
So one day at a time I'm going to take back my life. I'm going to stop obsessing over the internet and face my depression head on instead of hiding.
So if you're in a funk like me, remember the things that made you smile.
Here's one that made me laugh last time I was in Las Vegas =)
On a related note, I wanted to recommend someone's post each day this month. I think it fits the theme of this post a bit:
Check out Buddish Thoughts: Just a Friendly Reminder from the Universe. It's a really nice post to read if your feeling overwhelmed or just having a bad day(s). This is what I needed to read to get me out of this small funk I'm in right now.
Opps ...
This post was meant to go out yesterday but I'm glad that I didn't hit the publish button. Way too much over sharing that what I'm comfortable with.
However, I have decided to keep the last parts of my post. I promise I'll post something better later on today.
So my refection of the day? Don't let evil manipulative people get you down even if its your own mother. Do what's best for YOU. Not what will make your family look good. And one day if hate and disappointment troubles you, you just might find peace in unlikely places and revelations.
Ok, I'm starting to read through the blogs listed on NaBloPoMo and I figured that for this month I'm going to recommend one post each day. Today I'm recommending http://shabbywhitesandmuddyboots.blogspot.com/ . It has some very nice Valentine's Day recipes for Gluten Free Peanut butter Hearts and Lemon Cheesecake Pops. The look very yummy and I plan on trying those out soon! Plus check out her post on for a Green Tea Smoothie!!! Smoothies never looked so pretty =)
However, I have decided to keep the last parts of my post. I promise I'll post something better later on today.
So my refection of the day? Don't let evil manipulative people get you down even if its your own mother. Do what's best for YOU. Not what will make your family look good. And one day if hate and disappointment troubles you, you just might find peace in unlikely places and revelations.
Ok, I'm starting to read through the blogs listed on NaBloPoMo and I figured that for this month I'm going to recommend one post each day. Today I'm recommending http://shabbywhitesandmuddyboots.blogspot.com/ . It has some very nice Valentine's Day recipes for Gluten Free Peanut butter Hearts and Lemon Cheesecake Pops. The look very yummy and I plan on trying those out soon! Plus check out her post on for a Green Tea Smoothie!!! Smoothies never looked so pretty =)
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