I've decided not to go strictly follow the writing prompts for the February NaBloMo at the risk of over sharing and offending someone and embarrassing my self to the point I will have to live as a hermit forever. I didn't have the best childhood and most of my fond memories don't revolve around my family, even at a young age.
So instead I would like to make a confession of something that I am trying to get over. I have an addiction. An internet addiction. I'm still pretty bad but I used to be worse. I could spend all day on the computer or cellphone and time flys! My cellphone is like a drug that I must have. I literally feel naked with out my phone. I actually feel nervous when I don't have it near me. It's like life in closing in on me and I can't breathe.
Pathetic I know.
But what made me realize is that it had taken so much time away from my family. I spent so much time surfing the net that at the end of the day I was at a rush to clean the house, especially on the weekends. So eventually I was either web browsing, writing, or taking care of my youngest child. This was starting to hurt my older two babies, 2 & 5 years olds. Not to mention my poor husband. And my dogs. And my yard. ... And my life.
This wasn't me. I wasn't the type of person who lets the house fall into pieces. Someone who does work half ass. Someone who doesn't take responsibility. I'm not my mother! I look like a wreak. My husband even made a comment about my appearance this morning. It hurt like hell but he was right. I was letting myself go. Then to add insult to injury he told me before he went to work that I had aged mentally. It didn't hit me until now what he meant exactly. I was boring in every sense of the word. I didn't goof around anymore. I wasn't witty or making sarcastic remarks.
Who am I?
The answer: Lost.
The addiction started because I felt trapped. Trapped by world filled with responsibility and child rearing. There was no balance in life for me. That's part of why I started this blog. I want to be happy. Writing what I want makes me happy. Depression hurts. I became addicted to the internet because I was depressed. Depressed because I didn't have the parents I wanted. That my husband has to work so hard. That I'm always too tired to keep up with my two older kids. That money is always tight.
So one day at a time I'm going to take back my life. I'm going to stop obsessing over the internet and face my depression head on instead of hiding.
So if you're in a funk like me, remember the things that made you smile.
Here's one that made me laugh last time I was in Las Vegas =)
On a related note, I wanted to recommend someone's post each day this month. I think it fits the theme of this post a bit:
Check out Buddish Thoughts: Just a Friendly Reminder from the Universe. It's a really nice post to read if your feeling overwhelmed or just having a bad day(s). This is what I needed to read to get me out of this small funk I'm in right now.