Friday, February 3, 2012

Depression & Addiction Hurts

I've decided not to go strictly follow the writing prompts for the February NaBloMo at the risk of over sharing and offending someone and embarrassing my self to the point I will have to live as a hermit forever. I didn't have the best childhood and most of my fond memories don't revolve around my family, even at a young age.

So instead I would like to make a confession of something that I am trying to get over. I have an addiction. An internet addiction. I'm still pretty bad but I used to be worse. I could spend all day on the computer or cellphone and time flys! My cellphone is like a drug that I must have. I literally feel naked with out my phone.  I actually feel nervous when I don't have it near me. It's like life in closing in on me and I can't breathe.

Pathetic I know.

But what made me realize is that it had taken so much time away from my family. I spent so much time surfing the net that at the end of the day I was at a rush to clean the house, especially on the weekends. So eventually I was either web browsing, writing, or taking care of my youngest child. This was starting to hurt my older two babies, 2 & 5 years olds. Not to mention my poor husband. And my dogs. And my yard. ... And my life.

This wasn't me. I wasn't the type of person who lets the house fall into pieces. Someone who does work half ass. Someone who doesn't take responsibility. I'm not my mother! I look like a wreak. My husband even made a comment about my appearance this morning. It hurt like hell but he was right. I was letting myself go. Then to add insult to injury he told me before he went to work that I had aged mentally. It didn't hit me until now what he meant exactly. I was boring in every sense of the word. I didn't goof around anymore. I wasn't witty or making sarcastic remarks.

Who am I?

The answer: Lost.

The addiction started because I felt trapped. Trapped by world filled with responsibility and child rearing. There was no balance in life for me. That's part of why I started this blog. I want to be happy. Writing what I want makes me happy. Depression hurts. I became addicted to the internet because I was depressed. Depressed because I didn't have the parents I wanted. That my husband has to work so hard. That I'm always too tired to keep up with my two older kids. That money is always tight.

So one day at a time I'm going to take back my life. I'm going to stop obsessing over the internet and face my depression head on instead of hiding.

So if you're in a funk like me, remember the things that made you smile.

Here's one that made me laugh last time I was in Las Vegas =)

On a related note, I wanted to recommend someone's post each day this month. I think it fits the theme of this post a bit:

Check out Buddish Thoughts: Just a Friendly Reminder from the Universe. It's a really nice post to read if your feeling overwhelmed or just having a bad day(s). This is what I needed to read to get me out of this small funk I'm in right now.

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